@QuotingJokes: Me: I'm happy right now. Life: Lol one sec
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@handsock_butts: Me: I didn't get anything this year. Do you think Santa's magic...is running out? Wife: Santa isn't real Me: Don't lie to save my feelings
@envydatropic: First date - I'll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge Tenth date - I'll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
@StellaRtwot: I think I'll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching "How to tell if your baby is black in the womb."
@sad_tree: [courtroom] Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID Shark: I'm telling you idk *whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*