Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
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Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone