ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
You Might Also Like
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
what could possibly go wrong?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.