ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
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Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.