ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
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Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.