Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
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Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”