Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
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A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.