Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
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Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.