ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
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If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear