ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
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Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.