Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
You Might Also Like
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”