Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
You Might Also Like
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet