Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
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[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
The game has officially changed 😎
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)