I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
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Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Always…
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!