I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
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whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
There are usually two types of merchants.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.