ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
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Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
choose your gary
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
2022 be like
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?