ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
You Might Also Like
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.