me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
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Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one