Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.