Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Cha-ching is my safe word
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.