Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
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normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time