Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
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If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
79.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance