People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
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I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.