me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.