ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
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Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat