ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
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“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
No, he would not have.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.