I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
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Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.