Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
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I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.