Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
You Might Also Like
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Ha.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
That’s no pocket rocket.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.