Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling