me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
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figuring out my emotional availability:
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My beach vacation Google searches
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”