me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
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Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Van Gone
Yes my dude
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up