ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
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Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
“A little help here, Danny?”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.