Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
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My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird