Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
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I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Time heals everything 🙂
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
was Jim off killing horses or…
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Lol #dogsoftwitter
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees