Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
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T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.