Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
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Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Does beer think about me too?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
a badder mouse
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice