ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
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In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦