ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
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If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
ouch
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?