ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
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The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
A friend sent me this.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.