ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
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I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Brother?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?