Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.