me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
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me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Growing up was a huge mistake
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?