Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
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5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus