*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
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A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.