Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
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I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women