Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
You Might Also Like
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
sensitive skin
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won