ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
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“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.