ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
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The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.