Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
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Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I cannot stop laughing at this
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.