Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
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A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot